Everyone praises your child's calm and obedience, unaware that in your presence, this little angel transforms into a ruthless creature. Beneath the halo lies a formidable pair of horns. Your child is making your life difficult and bears no resemblance to the glowing description your loved ones give. But why such relentless criticism? Scientists offer reassurance: you're not the problem.
Are children 800 times more unruly in the presence of their mother?
When your child returns from a playdate at a friend's house, the other parents are quick to compliment their helpful and polite behavior. To your surprise, you learn that your child, the same one who throws tantrums every fifteen minutes and ignores your commands, is actually capable of remaining well-behaved and exemplary for an entire afternoon.
At other people's houses, his attitude changes completely, transforming from a naughty little rascal into an irreproachable saint. He offers to clear the table, whereas at your house, he sighs every time you ask. He carefully removes his shoes in the entryway, the same ones he drags around your house after you've finished cleaning. Even more unfair, he happily eats plates of green beans that he then pushes away with a grimace in your kitchen. What a suck-up!
When you pick up your child from their grandparents' house and see them sitting calmly in a chair reading a comic book, you almost think you're hallucinating. You have to rub your eyes twice. However, their good manners vanish as soon as they see you. With you, your child is the complete opposite of how they appear to the general public: boisterous, temperamental, disrespectful, provocative… And it's not just your imagination. According to a satirical study conducted by a self-proclaimed Dr. KP. Leibowitz from the psychology department at the University of Washington, children are 800 times more agitated in the presence of their mother than when they are with their father or other people.
The irresistible urge to attract the mother's attention
This figure, which comes from the humor website Mom News Daily , may be more anecdotal than scientific, but it reflects a reality that mothers alone endure. Moreover, it challenges the persistent myth of the "bad mother," which leads you to believe you're not good at motherhood. To reach this conclusion, the supposed researcher allegedly scrutinized the behavior of children in 500 different families. He supposedly considered several analytical elements: whining, crying, screaming, attempts to hit, excessive demands, throwing toys, and even forgetting how to walk or talk. While this "fake study" may elicit a mild smile, it resonates with many mothers.
It's a recurring scenario when Mom enters the child's field of vision or hears her voice. The child, who was perfectly still and quietly sitting in their seat, suddenly stamps their feet, whines, resists putting on their schoolbag, and throws a tantrum for no apparent reason. Rest assured, you're not sending bad vibes. The reunion is a relief for them.
And the English psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby coined a term for this phenomenon: attachment theory. Children may be more difficult with their parents… because they feel safest with them. When the attachment is strong, the child knows, even subconsciously, that their parents will remain there even if they cry, protest, or throw a tantrum. For example, a child might be perfectly behaved all day at school and then explode upon returning home: they've managed to cope elsewhere, and it's with their attachment figure that they finally release the tension. Ultimately, it's an expression of love, more than a punishment or personal revenge.
A study that is more humorous than truthful, but reassuring.
"You're doing it wrong." "Your stress is too contagious; it's bound to affect your little one . " "You're too strict," or conversely , "you're not firm enough." Mothers hear these moralizing phrases regularly, and they end up internalizing them. They loop endlessly in their heads like the chorus of a summer hit. As a result, they doubt their abilities, question themselves, and envy those mothers who seem to have it all, unaware that, deep down, they're struggling just as much. According to a survey of 2,000 American women, mothers ask themselves 156 times a day if they're really cut out for this role . The term "bad mother" constantly creeps into their self-reflection.
Hence the importance of taking a less complicated approach to certain situations. If your child often targets you but never causes trouble at the babysitter's , it's not because they have you in their sights, but simply because they're letting off steam. It's a bit like when you're feeling very sensitive and you make your partner a scapegoat.
Ultimately, if your child keeps their worst temper with you, it may paradoxically be because they see you as their safest refuge. A place that can be exhausting at times, but also profoundly precious.
