Intimacy in a relationship is often surrounded by persistent beliefs, unnecessary comparisons, and unspoken pressures. Even when the bond is strong, these preconceived notions can create doubts or hinder pleasure. Drawing on her experience in couples therapy, clinical psychologist Karen Gurney , director of the Havelock Clinic in London, shares simple and liberating truths for experiencing a more serene intimacy, and above all, one more aligned with your bodies and desires.
1. Orgasm is not the only goal
Contrary to popular culture, a successful intimate relationship isn't measured by orgasm. Pleasure isn't about a destination; it unfolds through exploration, sensations, and connection. When couples take their time, vary their rhythms and practices, the experience becomes richer and more satisfying. Your bodies deserve to be listened to in all their diversity, without pressure to achieve a specific outcome.
And it is equally important to remember that sexuality is not an obligation within a couple: each person, each duo, is free to define their desires, their needs and their way of living their story, with or without sexuality.
2. Pain is never inevitable
A respected body is a body that doesn't suffer. Pain during intercourse is not normal and should never be minimized. Being relaxed, aroused, and confident are essential foundations for enjoyable sex. If discomfort or pain persists, consulting a healthcare professional is an act of self-care. Your comfort and physical well-being are paramount.
3. There is no such thing as "normal sexuality"
Frequency, practices, fantasies: there are no universal rules. Each couple invents its own intimate language. Trying to conform to an external standard often stifles desire and spontaneity. Sexuality flourishes when you allow yourselves to be curious, creative, and free, without comparing yourselves to others. Your desires are legitimate, whatever they may be, as long as they are shared and consensual.
4. Talking about sex increases desire
Silent understanding is precious, but it doesn't replace words. Daring to talk about your body, your needs, your limits, and your pleasures creates an atmosphere of emotional safety. Making communication a habit, rather than an occasional discussion, helps avoid misunderstandings. Sincere dialogue fosters trust and makes exchanges smoother and more exciting.
5. Penetration is not mandatory
Reducing sexuality to a single act can impoverish the experience. Intimacy isn't limited to penetration , much less a repetitive scenario. Exploring other forms of contact, caresses, and sensory play helps maintain surprise and desire. Every body has a thousand ways to experience pleasure, and none is superior to another.
6. The myth of the "good deal" is misleading.
Performance has no place in the bedroom. You can't be "good" or "bad" on your own: sexuality is an encounter. It's based on listening, adapting, and self-knowledge. Feeling comfortable in your own body, whatever your shape, is a powerful driver of pleasure. Authenticity is far more seductive than perfection.
7. It's human to have a wandering mind.
Everyone has their mind wander during sex. These distractions are normal as long as they don't take over. Learning to reconnect with your sensations, especially through daily mindfulness practices, helps you be more present. The more you listen to your body, the more intense the pleasure and connection become.
Ultimately, a fulfilling sexuality is built far from expectations and comparisons. It is based on respect for bodies, mutual curiosity, and compassionate communication. By allowing yourself to explore without judgment, you transform intimacy into a space of freedom, pleasure, and shared trust.
