For several weeks, the Beckham affair has been making headlines. This highly publicized family conflict, pitting mother-in-law against daughter-in-law, has taken on an international dimension. Beyond being a goldmine for the tabloids, which are seizing every opportunity, this story resonates in many households. Sometimes, a silent rivalry develops with the mother-in-law, who doesn't seem willing to share her son.
When the mother-in-law starts the competition
Since the Beckham family feud erupted into the open, Victoria has come across almost like the ruthless stepmother from a Disney fairytale. The businesswoman, once acclaimed for her haute couture designs, is slowly losing ground in the public eye. Accused of deliberately sabotaging her son Brooklyn's wedding and making life difficult for his wife, Nicolas Peltz, she is portrayed in the press as a possessive and unwilling mother. According to Brooklyn's sensational story, Victoria wants to keep her son all to herself. To achieve this, she allegedly did everything she could to discourage Nicolas Peltz, even resorting to somewhat Machiavellian tactics. And now, she is seen as a heartless viper, an overbearing and toxic stepmother.
This very Freudian story, which has almost become a media sensation, is also playing out in other families. The image war between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law seems almost inevitable. As the partner, one is the collateral victim of extreme emotional dependence, even a kind of inverted Oedipus complex. Every glance carries a judgment, and every conversation turns into a confrontation .
We try to put on a brave face, but we always feel like we're in the way. Despite all our efforts to be beyond reproach, our mother-in-law doesn't exactly love us. We'll always be the "outsider," the fifth wheel, the son-stealer. And no, we're not imagining things. This Cinderella story is confirmed by the statistics. According to a study , 60% of women report experiencing tension or discomfort with their mother-in-law, compared to 15% of men with theirs.
Never good enough for his son
We could have an immeasurable fortune, a mountain of degrees, or even be named Beyoncé, and our mother-in-law would still be just as venomous. In her eyes, we don't have what it takes to be the ideal girlfriend, and we're clearly not up to the standard of her son, who, by the way, sits on an unattainable pedestal. This rivalry between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, which is symptomatic in families, runs deeper than a simple fit of jealousy.
Christine Rafe, an expert in relationships, aptly summarizes this in *Body and Soul *: "When a parent idolizes their child, no partner can ever compete. It's an inextricable situation: the mother and the partner feel in competition, and the son finds himself forced to question a long-established parental dynamic." According to a survey, one in two men admits to feeling caught between his partner and his mother, unsure how to react. Often, the partner remains passive, a spectator to this psychological battle between the two women in his life. He shows no preference or bias for fear of losing one or the other.
The mother-in-law could oversee the dating sessions or act as a matchmaker, but she'd reject all the candidates. It's true that parents don't have the same selection criteria as their children. In love, too, there are "model students," and clearly, we're not one of them. When their son chooses a vibrant, funny, creative woman, they would prefer a settled, well-off daughter-in-law with shared religious and cultural values.
Physical appearance is also a factor.
In "Snow White," the stepmother constantly questions her beautiful mirror to determine who is the fairest of them all. The princess with brown hair and porcelain skin appears tirelessly in this magical pane. She immediately sees her as a threat to be eliminated. Do the fairy tales of our childhood tell the truth? Is the stepmother envious of our supposed beauty? According to some studies, partners perceived as highly attractive can create relational instability and a tendency toward frivolity.
A partner with an average physique and harmonious features can therefore be subjected to a kind of discrimination based on appearance. And it's often unintentional. In this case, the mother-in-law isn't worried about her personal ego, but she unconsciously anticipates the emotional damage to her son. Once a mother hen, always a mother hen.
"In a society that values youth, attractiveness and female autonomy, the daughter-in-law can create a feeling of demotion in the mother-in-law," explains psychologist Frédérique Korzine in an article devoted to this subject.
Empty nest syndrome, a mitigating circumstance
If a mother-in-law is cold and unfriendly towards her daughter-in-law, it's also a protective reflex. It's maternal instinct speaking, not some inner demon. She feels like she's gone from being the main character to an extra, and this transition is sometimes hard to accept. As a result, our mother-in-law makes us pay for a situation we're not responsible for.
She adopts a defensive strategy, as if someone had stolen her most precious treasure. For her, this man with whom she is building a future is still her "baby," her "property." Her entire maternal identity is being called into question. "Far from being a reaction of pure jealousy, the mother-in-law's attitude can be likened to separation anxiety," the specialist continues.
Always the guilty party, the troublemaker, the disruptive element, we're constantly forced to prove ourselves to our mother-in-law. And it's particularly exhausting. Yet it is possible to usher in a period of peace and start afresh. The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is sometimes chaotic, but there's no question of taking it personally. Often, we aren't the real cause of her unhappiness.
