The question is worthy of a philosophy essay, and yet, it's a good test of one's feelings. Before declaring your love to someone you barely know, learn to say "I love you" to yourself in front of the mirror and believe it. According to science, this self-compassion is non-negotiable for healthy love. So don't expect a fairytale romance if you're not capable of praising yourself.
Is self-love a prerequisite before starting a romance?
“You have to love yourself before you can love others.” This almost existential phrase, which seems straight out of a literature textbook, a romantic comedy, or a Buddhist temple, isn't as trivial as it appears. It's a piece of advice, imbued with wisdom, that could very well have come from a psychologist's office. Because ultimately, loving someone without loving yourself is a bit like jumping into the water without knowing how to swim or riding a bike without wheels.
Obviously, there's no question of becoming obsessed with yourself like Narcissus or constantly showering yourself with compliments. Otherwise, you risk coming across as self-centered and narrow-minded. On the other hand, self-confidence, which you often lack in your Tinder profiles or on dates, is essential for experiencing a truly meaningful love.
This is what a 2016 study , published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, highlights. Self-esteem isn't an added bonus; it's a guarantee for a lasting, radiant, and healthy romance. "High self-esteem predicts the start of a relationship, while low self-esteem predicts its breakup. These results show that self-esteem influences the occurrence of significant transitions in relationships and that, conversely, experiencing these transitions influences the subsequent development of self-esteem," the report states.
Self-esteem, the key to a more fulfilling romance
Self-esteem, acquired in childhood but lost along the way due to mockery, comparisons, or inappropriate remarks, is difficult to maintain. This self-esteem, which, taken to extremes, becomes a red flag or even a common trait of narcissistic perverts, is a protection in adversity, a shield against uncertainty. Psychologist Elisabeth De Madre describes it as "inner security." It's your emotional buffer, your built-in airbag.
A study published in the journal Nature also supports this view. Self-esteem is the foundation of a relationship, the glue that holds a couple together. Without it, a couple risks being unstable, lacking stability, and finding themselves completely adrift in the event of conflict. If you have good self-esteem, you already know how to be self-sufficient and are almost entirely immune to emotional dependency. “Knowing yourself well will allow you to avoid underestimating your needs, and above all, to express them with complete peace of mind,” adds the psychologist.
Working on your self-esteem is worth the effort.
Having good self-esteem isn't just useful for asking for a promotion at work without stuttering or speaking in public without turning bright red. It's also an asset in love, provided that this confidence doesn't become excessive. So instead of perfecting your eloquence, honing your smooth-talking skills alongside Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts, and polishing your oral presentation like a school report, start by putting yourself back at the center of your priorities.
Before sending passionate texts to a stranger and frolicking in the local park, schedule some quiet time for yourself, cook lasagna just for you, stick self-congratulatory notes on Post-it notes. Preparing breakfast in bed, setting a pretty table for dinner, saying "I love you"... All these actions, often intended for someone else, then become rituals of self-love.
Can we truly love without loving ourselves? A crucial distinction
To say that it's impossible to love someone without loving yourself would be a bit extreme. In reality, many people fall in love even when they doubt themselves, undervalue themselves, or are still searching for their inner balance. Love can exist, even on fragile ground.
But perhaps the real question isn't "Can we love?", but rather "How do we love under these conditions?". Without self-esteem, love often takes on more unstable forms: fear of not being good enough, a constant need for reassurance, difficulty setting boundaries. We love, yes, but with a tension in the background, as if everything could collapse at any moment.
Conversely, loving yourself enough doesn't guarantee a perfect relationship, but it profoundly changes how you approach it. You're no longer looking for someone to fill a void, but to share a space that's already inhabited. You don't beg for love, you receive it.
Ultimately, self-love isn't a prerequisite for a relationship, but rather a compass. It guides, balances, and provides security. Above all, it allows us to distinguish between a love that soothes… and a love that consumes.
