Compliments are like candy for self-esteem, and you might be overdoing it. You shower your partner with praise, shower them with flowers via text, and whisper "I feel safe with you." Yet, despite all your good intentions, your compliments aren't getting the full effect they deserve. You can give them even more meaning with the SIISI method, developed by a psychologist.
The SIISI method for perfecting your compliments
Giving a compliment isn't simply a matter of casually dropping it in conversation or tossing it out like a rose in someone's face. Nor is it about mincing words to flatter your partner's ego or sending them a coded message. There's a method to complimenting the love of your life, and by following it, your words will carry more weight and impact. According to psychologist Delphine Py , interviewed by Cosmopolitan , the compliment must be delivered clearly, in the right place, at the right time. In her practice, she recommends a technique called SIISI, an acronym that stands for "Sincere, Immediate, Involved, Specific, and Isolated."
Sincere
A compliment isn't meant to be a tool for manipulation or blackmail. Nor should it be self-serving. It needs to ring true and sincere to have a real impact on your relationship. The goal isn't to compliment your partner to make amends or simply to be nice. You have to believe what you say. What comes out of your mouth must align with your thoughts; otherwise, it's better to remain silent.
Immediate
Did your partner prepare a divine meal? Don't thank them two months later. Did your Romeo just extricate himself from a difficult situation at work? Don't delay in congratulating him. Delayed compliments are counterproductive. It's a bit like reheating a dish that's already been cooked: it just doesn't taste the same. "The idea is to give the compliment as soon as possible after the behavior you want to reinforce," explains the expert.
Implied
When you give compliments, you might start with "you." Try using "I"; it immediately sounds stronger and more personal. "I love being with you, you mean so much to me" is much more Shakespearean than "You are my favorite person."
Specific
To make compliments the lifeblood of your relationship, the glue that binds you together, avoid being too vague. Saying "you're handsome" or "you're the best" is a bit cliché. Provide context. The psychologist asserts that compliments have more impact when they relate to specific facts, a targeted action, or a particular behavior.
Isolated
"A compliment should be given in isolation. Avoid combining a compliment with a criticism, like, 'Your dessert was delicious, but I didn't like the appetizer.' It's a bit like putting too much salt on a tasty dish: you ruin the whole experience. A compliment loses all its value when followed by a degrading judgment."
Why does this technique work so well for couples?
For too many couples, compliments are just "extras," "verbal embellishments." Yet, they are anything but superfluous. According to the results of a study conducted by Gleeden, 77% of heterosexual women admit that "a lack of compliments from their partner has driven them to infidelity." Obviously, the idea isn't to sweet-talk or trot out "canned" compliments to keep the other person. In a relationship, compliments reaffirm love and strengthen trust, so there's no question of being stingy.
The SIISI method, suggested by the psychologist, provides a framework, a guideline. It fosters healthy and authentic communication. Far from being anecdotal, it helps avoid awkwardness and convoluted sentences. The psychologist knows that compliments aren't always obvious. "We're afraid of not being legitimate, of embarrassing the other person, we think the other person already knows, or we simply don't know how to express it," she explains. Compliments beget compliments: when you give them, your partner reciprocates. It's a mutual way to express your gratitude and admiration.
These are mistakes to avoid when giving compliments
Avoid giving generic or automatic compliments that lack warmth, such as "you're great" or "well done," as they express neither attention nor genuine feeling. Don't compliment only on appearance: this can give the impression that you don't see the rest of her personality or her efforts.
Also avoid comparative compliments (“you’re better than…”) which create unnecessary competition. Finally, don’t only offer compliments when there’s a problem or to cover up a mistake. A compliment should be sincere and spontaneous, not a sentimental ploy. What matters is that it reflects a genuine observation, a real feeling, and that it shows your partner that they are seen, heard, and appreciated for who they are.
Compliments don't just boost esteem; these well-placed compliments are pure gold for a couple. And you don't need to be Baudelaire to woo your other half. If the poet had prose, you have the SIISI method.
