Before arguments erupt in public, we rehearse them in our heads like a script. We practice our comebacks, hone our arguments, and warm up for this verbal sparring so we won't be caught off guard when the confrontation finally happens. Yet, when the moment arrives, we sometimes have memory lapses and find ourselves having to improvise. Anticipating arguments in a relationship isn't a trivial reflex, and a sexologist explains this mental preparation for clashes.
Preparing arguments in one's head, a common habit
There are arguments that come out of nowhere, and others that we simulate in our minds long before they happen. It's a bit like warming up before the fight. We don't want our words to outpace our thoughts, or for our anger to make us say things we'll regret the next second.
So we rehearse the scene beforehand, imagining our partner's potential responses and launching into a script worthy of the silver screen. From the outside, it's almost a theatrical performance or a fit of madness. If, as children, we tell each other imaginary stories filled with unicorns and magical fairies, as adults, we improvise fake dialogues between ourselves and our other half over something as trivial as a messy laundry routine or a sloppy household chore.
We find ourselves talking to ourselves, revising our arguments, rehearsing our sentences as if we were preparing for a major oral exam or attending a trial. This highly realistic rehearsal of the impending conflict isn't some "perfectionist girl's delusion," nor is it the activity of a "psychopath," as is sometimes suggested. On TikTok, women even joke about this practice, captioning it "I'm practicing arguments with my boyfriend" to the tune of Eminem's "Rap God." It's almost a rite of passage. Preparing arguments in your head, like a speech bubble in a comic book, has real value for those involved. It's a way to maintain control and reassure themselves. In psychology, the translation is different.
An unconscious way of avoiding conflict
Preparing arguments in your head, even if they never materialize, isn't just a romantic comedy trope. It's common, especially among women. At least, that's the conclusion reached by sexologist Gigi Engle in the pages of Refinery29 . And no, it's not a sign of an overactive imagination, but rather a tendency to minimize feelings and suppress frustrations.
"Some women create scenarios and arguments in their heads to avoid conflict, because we're taught that these feelings should be suppressed," the expert points out. In short, we prefer to act out arguments in our heads and only half-heartedly resolve them rather than clearly expressing them to our partner. And it's not out of fear of the consequences, but rather because we tell ourselves "it's not worth it" or "I'm exaggerating." It's easier to give ourselves imaginary reprimands than to send them to the real person, sometimes even to the next room.
But it's also a form of self-sabotage.
Preparing arguments in our heads gives us a certain power in the moment, but this habit can quickly backfire. "In heterosexual relationships, we're expected to smooth things over," explains the expert. As a result, we might lose sleep to soften our criticisms, prepare mildly provocative opening lines, and anticipate our partner's responses. We clutter our minds with "phantom" arguments to protect our partner as much as possible on the big day.
Paradoxically, by prioritizing our partner's well-being, we neglect our own. We hold crisis meetings, brainstorm with our girlfriends to get other opinions, and even reenact telenovelas in the bathroom out of pure altruism. This isn't an act of love; it's self-sabotage.
When we mentally prepare for arguments, we become defensive, we fire off insults, and we envision the worst-case scenario as if there were no other possible outcome. We resort to dramatic thinking without ever considering a peaceful alternative, whereas in real life, it would simply be a matter of mature and constructive dialogue . Sometimes we imagine we'll gain the upper hand and win the "who's right" game. Again, the expert points out that this isn't healthy. She reminds us that unity is better than division.
Planning arguments in your head can be counterproductive and do more harm than good to a relationship. A psychologist interviewed by Time magazine recommends scheduling arguments rather than sulking in silence or yelling at each other.
