Reacting impulsively, typing three vengeful lines, hitting send. Fexting, a portmanteau word borrowed from English, refers to these arguments between couples that are now settled via text message. A practice that seems convenient, but which therapists describe as particularly risky for romantic relationships.
Fexting, an English word that has become a global phenomenon
The term "fexting" is a portmanteau of two English words: fighting and texting. It simply refers to arguing via written messages, whether traditional texts, WhatsApp conversations, or messages exchanged on any other messaging app. The word gained prominence after a widely discussed interview with Jill Biden, former First Lady of the United States, who explained to Harper's Bazaar that she and her husband, Joe Biden, regularly fexed to avoid arguing in front of Secret Service agents. This presidential anecdote helped popularize a reality shared by millions of ordinary couples.
A practice that deceptively resembles a practical solution
At first glance, fexting offers numerous advantages, at least on the surface. For some therapists interviewed on the subject, this practice helps avoid the most intense direct confrontations. "My clients say that texting allows them to maintain a certain level of connection, while still having the space to express themselves freely," explains Cindy Shu, a therapist specializing in marital and family issues. Texting also removes the pressure of having to resolve conflict immediately. For marriage therapist Lia Huynh, these written exchanges can even prove beneficial for more introverted people, or those who have difficulty expressing their emotions aloud. In theory, the format allows for taking a step back, reflecting calmly before responding, and avoiding regrettable words spoken in the heat of the moment.
The main pitfall: the total absence of non-verbal communication.
But behind these apparent advantages, relationship experts warn of a major pitfall. According to the work of psychology researcher Albert Mehrabian , long cited as a reference, approximately 55% of an emotional message is conveyed through body language, 38% through tone of voice, and only 7% through the words themselves. While these precise figures deserve some qualification, their overall message remains largely validated by research: a significant portion of what is communicated in a conversation is non-verbal. However, these signals are completely absent from text messaging. It's impossible to see your partner's face, their gaze, their smile, their tears, or their crossed arms. It's also impossible to hear their voice. Everything that constitutes the richness—and the security—of a conversation between a couple disappears behind the screen.
The risk of constantly misinterpreting
This lack of non-verbal cues opens the door to another problem: repeated misunderstandings. "Text message exchanges are sorely lacking in nuance. A simple period can be interpreted as coldness or aggression, even though that wasn't the sender's intention," observes relationship psychologist Marie Durand . A delayed response can be read as disinterest, when the other person was simply in a meeting. The absence of an emoji can seem icy. A neutral tone can appear curt. Every character becomes imbued with a disproportionate emotional charge. Without the possibility of instant clarification, misunderstandings accumulate and fuel the argument instead of resolving it.
An emotional distance is developing.
In the long run, the consequences of fexting can extend far beyond a simple, one-off argument. "Texting arguments can create lasting emotional distance in a relationship," observes psychologist Samantha Rodman. Several effects accumulate over time. Repeated misunderstandings gradually erode trust. Virtual communication progressively replaces face-to-face interactions, diminishing intimacy. Unresolved issues pile up because they haven't been addressed in person. And the couple eventually loses the habit of healthy communication, forgetting the importance of taking the time to sit down and truly talk to each other.
A false impression of control
The other pitfall of fexing lies in the illusion it creates. Many people feel they have better control over an argument via text message than face-to-face. However, behind a screen, we often allow ourselves to say things we would never say out loud. The protective barrier of the phone acts as a disinhibitor: harsher, sharper, sometimes more hurtful. Even worse, the message remains. While words spoken in anger may fade with time, a text message remains imprinted on the other person's screen, reread, mulled over, sometimes even screenshotted. A phrase regretted in the morning can continue to haunt the couple in the evening.
When the format itself becomes problematic
Beyond the content of the messages, sometimes the very act of using this channel to address sensitive topics is problematic. "Before starting a sensitive discussion via text message, ask yourself if this format is truly appropriate," recommends marriage therapist Paul Martin. Some subjects require time, physical presence, and attentive listening: betrayal, a major disappointment, an important decision for the couple. Addressing them via text message is like rushing through them, without the necessary calm and serenity. The risk is transforming a real conversation into a series of brief exchanges, where each person sticks to their position without truly listening to the other.
How to limit the damage
For couples who recognize themselves in this pattern, several strategies exist to limit the damage. The first is to identify what absolutely must be said face-to-face and to establish a simple rule: no serious arguments via text message. The second is to learn to delay responding to an annoying text. Waiting a few hours, or even until a face-to-face meeting, often prevents exacerbating an already fragile situation. The third involves setting aside time, after a tense exchange, to clarify what transpired in the messages. As psychologist Sue Johnson summarizes , "Sometimes, an outside perspective is necessary to break free from negative patterns and re-establish an emotional connection." Consulting a couples therapist can then make all the difference.
While seemingly convenient, fexing actually masks a fragile dynamic that threatens the health of a relationship. By stripping communication of everything that enriches it—voice, eye contact, gestures—it transforms the slightest misstep into a lasting wound. This doesn't mean banning text messages altogether during an argument, but rather using them judiciously. And remembering a simple truth: real conversations, the kind that heal and reconcile, rarely happen behind a screen.
