Your head thinks "no," but your mouth says "yes." It's not just politeness or good manners. It's not just your kindness speaking. This is why the word "yes" comes out naturally even when you want to curl up under your duvet with a fleece and a cozy hot water bottle.
The paradox of Abilene, the explanation for your "yes"
You accept invitations to parties even though you'd much rather binge on chocolate in front of Netflix, and you rearrange your cozy night-in plans to attend the leaving party of a colleague you've only met once in your entire career. Even after you've had your fill of social interaction for the day, you can't bring yourself to decline an invitation. You say "yes" automatically, without giving it much thought. Deep down, you know you'll regret your decision, but the word "no" isn't in your vocabulary. It almost sounds disrespectful coming from you.
You might come up with some rather lame excuses, like saying your cat is unwell or your mother dropped by unexpectedly. Yet, you're constantly dedicated, and that's neither an admission of weakness nor a sign of excessive kindness. You have the "yes" syndrome, or rather, you suffer from the Abilene paradox. Rest assured, it's neither pathological nor contagious. "A situation where a group makes a decision that no one truly wants, but that everyone accepts to preserve social peace and/or because they believe they're the only one who thinks differently. They then side with the... supposed majority," explains psychologist Claire Petin in an insightful Instagram video.
A concrete example: you have absolutely no desire to repeat your hypocritical company's awkward Secret Santa, but you give a collective "yes" to maintain group harmony. The Abilene paradox is typical of the professional world and of adolescence. You prefer to say "yes," even if it irritates you, rather than become the black sheep of the group.
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The common symptom of "people pleasers"
If you say "yes" when "no" is flashing red in your mind, it's not just to blend in and maintain a good standing with your peers. It also reflects a lack of confidence : the desire to make a good impression to compensate for low self-esteem and reassure yourself. You are what's known in the jargon as a "people pleaser." This means someone who constantly seeks external validation and only recognizes their worth in the eyes of others. This can indicate personal insecurity, a deep fear of abandonment, or stem from a childhood deprived of affection.
As the psychologist explains, this constant "yes" is also linked to several biases. "The social desirability bias, which pushes us to want to please and be perceived positively. The conformity bias, which makes us adhere to the dominant opinion so as not to be excluded. The illusion of majority, which makes us believe that 'everyone thinks the same' and cognitive dissonance, this inner discomfort when our actions go against our convictions."
The urgent need to reclaim the word "no"
Saying "no" without resorting to convoluted sentences or rehearsed excuses is a delicate exercise. Those three little letters, which contradict "yes," seem almost forbidden to you. You're probably afraid of hurting the other person and coming across as antisocial or unpleasant. "Yes" is the easy way out to avoid damaging your image. However, you spend so much time pleasing others and satisfying their every whim that you neglect your own life. And that's exhausting in the long run.
"Accepting too many obligations is a source of stress and anxiety, because of all the commitments we have to keep. This overload can lead us to become unfairly irritable," warns socio-psychologist Susan Newman in the pages of HuffPost. Saying "yes" hoping the other person will sense your discomfort doesn't work. Conversely, a respectful "no" creates a clear, reassuring framework for everyone. The more you practice, the more natural this gesture becomes, and the less guilt grows. You just have to start to get there.
Psychologists know this better than anyone: boundaries aren't walls, but doors. They show you how to enter your space without hurting yourself. And setting boundaries isn't about disappointing others; it's about finally respecting yourself. Even if the word "no" seems harsh, what's really harsh is that forced "yes." Saying "no" to a last-minute party forty minutes away by train doesn't make you a heartless monster, simply someone who has other priorities: their own well-being .
