This is a question parents rarely anticipate, unlike the question of how babies are born. Their love is so instinctive and natural that they don't necessarily think about teaching it to their children, who sometimes mistake their cousins for their "girlfriends" and develop little Oedipus complexes. Here are a few suggestions for approaching the subject openly and honestly.
Love, an abstract concept for younger people
When children constantly ask "why," you expect every question except this one. Sometimes, in a burst of curiosity, your little ones will pose a tricky question and catch you completely off guard. When they ask , "What is love?" , you're speechless, as if it were a completely new term. You're almost tempted to grab a dictionary or ask chatGPT for help.
How can you remain objective and neutral in your definition of love, a feeling that seems to you both so obvious and so indescribable? It's almost as tricky as explaining how babies are made. The cabbage and stork analogy doesn't work here. Love is a nuanced concept and can't be summed up in a single word. Which certainly doesn't help matters.
For a child, love is something they acquire but not always understand. It's a feeling, an experience, but rarely a clear concept. They feel they love their parents, their favorite toy, or their best friend, without necessarily understanding what differentiates these bonds. Love is ingrained in them; it simply hasn't reached "maturity." In fact, without realizing it, children demonstrate this every day: by cuddling their parents, by arranging a bouquet with flowers from the garden for their grandmother, by sharing their slice of homemade cake with their favorite friend.
That's why grand philosophical discourses are useless. It's better to start with concrete situations: "You know when you're happy to give a hug? That's a way of showing love." Or: "When you care deeply about someone and want them to be happy, that's love."
Adapt the explanations according to the child's age.
Obviously, you're not going to launch into very detailed explanations with a toddler who can barely string five words together and has only just learned to read. A young child primarily needs simple and reassuring points of reference: love is what you feel in hugs, smiles, and shared moments.
Avoid hasty deductions and premature questions like "Is he your boyfriend?" , which only confuse the child. Yes, their little brains can't take everything in at once. "You mustn't rush language, meaning don't project preconceived notions, don't say things like, 'He's in love, she's in love!' when the child is young and experiencing this incredible emotional complexity," warns Sonia Chaine , author of the children's book "Love, I Understand Everything."
As your child grows, you can delve deeper into the subject and refine your teachings by exploring love in more detail. This is when you explain to your child that they cannot love their sister the way the prince loves Cinderella, or the way Mom loves Dad. If you feel uneasy about this topic, visit the library, which is full of insightful and illustrated books on the subject. One such book is "Histoire pour Mieux Aimer" (Stories to Love Better), which is a skillful and accessible explanation of the 5 love languages.
Name the different types of love without mixing them up
Unlike the mysterious origin of babies, which requires only a single, definitive explanation, love is so multifaceted that it unfolds in several chapters, from the most innocent to the most mature. A child might say , "I'm in love with Mommy" or "I'm going to marry my classmate." And that's perfectly normal. Rather than harshly correcting them, it's better to use words and gentle guidance . "What you're feeling is a very strong love, but it's not the same as the love between two lovers."
Distinguishing between familial, friendly, and romantic love helps avoid confusion while validating a child's emotions. We don't deny what they feel, we simply help them understand it. This way, the child knows they cannot flirt with their teacher or charm a family member.
Set a good example every day without any drama.
As you probably know, children learn by imitation. They absorb real images more easily than words. They are also keen observers. If your child has seen you stick your tongue out twice while doing a crossword puzzle, they'll likely copy the gesture. It's the same with love and how you demonstrate it in your daily life. The way you express affection, manage conflicts, or show respect is a true silent lesson.
The idea isn't to put on a show, or to reenact "Love Actually" in your living room, but rather to reflect before acting and, above all, to remember the presence of these spectators, who are ultimately just your "duplicates." A tender gesture, attentive listening, a peaceful argument… all of this shapes their vision of love. They understand, without us needing to say it, that love isn't limited to words but is lived every day.
Even though love is built through experiences and remains "innocent" until adolescence, it is also shaped through parents and the insight they provide.
