In the world of love, there are seasoned smooth talkers who excel in the art of sweet talk and false hope. They talk more than they act, and their promises often ring hollow. These life partners, who missed out on a career in business but would have easily passed the audition to play Don Juan, dream big but procrastinate on their commitments.
False promises or "the future scam"
Your partner has a knack for making you feel like you're floating on air. He assures you of an imminent wedding, taking the measurements of your ring finger, promises you a fairytale romance, and rivals Walt Disney's imagination whenever the topic of "later" arises. He gives you a very clear vision of your future and practically puts you in those situations. A true screenwriter at heart, he lets you believe in a family life in a pretty country house , surrounded by chickens and toddlers, enjoying delicious home-cooked meals prepared by him. At school, he must have been very talented at creative writing.
Your partner stops in front of every real estate agency, almost taking that luxurious country house for granted. He pauses in front of jewelry store windows to gauge your preferences. He sends you videos of his round-the-world trip, assuring you it won't just be an unfulfilled dream. In short, he's spoiling you rotten. But these words, which you've been hanging on to from the start, are nothing but mirages, fleeting illusions. Years later, you still don't have a diamond on your finger or a place of your own. And that journey to the ends of the earth has remained nothing more than a fantasy.
This practice even has a name in dating jargon: the "sandcastle" technique. Simply put, the person building it promises you a rosy future, but it's all smoke and mirrors. They're just blowing smoke and mirrors in your eyes, blinding you in the moment. This tendency to one-upmanship "often occurs when someone feels a deep need to impress their partner in order to win their affection," explains Jessica Alderson, a relationship expert at Stylist .
This is not always a manipulation technique
Constantly waiting for your partner to follow through on their promises, you end up feeling betrayed, deceived, and tricked. Yet, while this bluff is a universal strategy of manipulators and other narcissistic abusers , false promises are not always intentional.
Beyond the familiar refrain of "I'll change" or "I'll make an effort," which no longer convinces anyone, there are partners who feel compelled to make this small show of force to win the other person's heart. "He or she may feel inadequate and resort to grand gestures and promises to try to seduce the other person. For example, he or she might promise to take you on a trip but never keep their promise, or think that to keep you interested, they must constantly shower you with gifts and make lavish plans," the expert explains.
The "disciple of Cupid" also paints another picture: people with low emotional intelligence, convinced they can make their words a reality without realizing the extraordinary ambition behind them. "When they make these promises, they mean them sincerely, but when it comes to keeping them, they lack motivation," adds Jessica Alderson.
An atypical symptom of a fear of commitment
Fear of commitment isn't only expressed through a strong sense of independence, persistent ambivalence, or discomfort at the idea of defining a relationship as such. It sometimes takes more insidious forms. Paradoxically, people who fear commitment sometimes try to reassure themselves by "telling themselves stories."
"For some people, the idea of spending the rest of their lives with that person is terrifying; they may then delude themselves, saying 'we'll do this', but reality can prove terribly boring, give the impression of being stuck, and inevitably involves compromises," explains Sarah Ingram, a couple psychotherapist to Independent .
An attachment style that avoids the background
Behind these grand promises and projects rolled out like a red carpet sometimes lies a deeper mechanism: the avoidant attachment style. These partners can talk about the future with disconcerting, almost theatrical ease, but as soon as it comes to taking concrete action, they slam on the brakes, change the subject, or find a thousand reasons to postpone. As if they preferred to love in theory rather than in practice.
This paradox is quite easily explained. People with an avoidant personality often fear real intimacy, the kind that involves showing vulnerability, making compromises, and accepting that a relationship isn't just an idealized projection. So they construct a magnificent, highly detailed, almost tangible future… but one that remains carefully out of reach. As long as the project stays in the realm of fantasy, it doesn't put them at risk. The problem begins when it comes to signing a contract, booking tickets, or actually choosing a ring.
“If you have a particular attachment where the feeling of security feels suffocating—that is, even if the idea appeals to you, the reality is simply overwhelming,” explains the specialist. In short, making promises becomes a way to maintain the connection without having to confront what commitment truly entails.
If you feel like you're living in a perpetual movie trailer, with lots of spectacular images but never the full film, then there's something to think about. In love, the most beautiful prospects aren't necessarily those described with emphasis, but those built step by step.
