When parents pass away, siblings weep together and lose all sense of direction. This tragic and irreversible event can either strengthen or break bonds. Sometimes the core family unit is reinforced, and other times it shatters into a thousand pieces. Without its pillars, the family struggles to regain its equilibrium. Yet, it can face this sad reality without tearing itself apart and, hand in hand, cushion the emotional blow.
Family problems after a death, a common experience
It's a moment all children dread, and many still cling to the childish belief in an eternal parent. But even if we hope to experience this bitter grief as late as possible, sometimes tragedy strikes without warning. When parents depart on their final journey to the heavens, they leave behind a family overwhelmed, lost, and disoriented. Orphans who lose all sense of maturity.
In some cases, this tragic event brings siblings closer together, but sometimes it tears them apart, and not just because of inheritance issues. We've barely said our goodbyes to the deceased before we have to appoint a new unofficial guardian, redistribute roles within the family, and find our place in this internal chaos. The collective grief then transforms into a crisis. And this doesn't only happen in unstable families like those in "Shameless."
"Family dysfunction following a bereavement is common and can make the grieving process even more painful, adding further stress to an already intense and emotionally charged situation," explains Gabrielle Applebury, a licensed marriage and family therapist with Love to Know . And the statistics bear this out. According to one study , conflicts arise in 20% of families experiencing grief. Without an authority figure, there's this strange feeling of emptiness, and everyone clings to their old habits when a reorganization is inevitably necessary.
The origin of these dysfunctions, according to a therapist
In a family, each person plays an unconscious role. There's the one who handles the paperwork, the one who provides emotional support, the one who lightens the mood. When the parents are no longer there, the siblings maintain the same dynamic, and there can be a feeling of inequality in the distribution of responsibilities.
For example, the younger sibling might delegate the heaviest administrative tasks to the eldest, who is still accustomed to supervising the parents and ensuring the siblings' safety. The younger children shirk these responsibilities by claiming it's not their place, as if their position in the family grants them a "free pass." "Once these patterns are established, significant individual work, coordinated with that of other family members, is necessary," explains the specialist. Therapists refer to these as "invisible loyalties."
Beyond this reality, old resentments can resurface, especially if there has been unequal treatment of the children. In a family, there are sometimes the favored ones and the black sheep. It doesn't take much for a conversation about a simple trinket or a keepsake box to turn into a settling of scores. It's the famous "pressure cooker" effect: an emotional shock and everything explodes. And it's not just gratuitous malice.
"Pre-existing communication and connection difficulties can intensify during this period, especially when there is usually a need for a lot of coordination (funeral arrangements, will, end-of-life care, etc.)," warns the expert.
The best ways to deal with it, without forcing anything
Parents embody authority and unity. They are the link between family members , the arbitrators of conflict, the creators of shared memories. When they are no longer there, we feel like five-year-olds. At that precise moment, we almost wish we were an only child, without realizing that sharing this grief helps us through it. Even if we struggle to find a positive way out of this underlying darkness, it exists.
"To cope with family dysfunction, one of the best things you can do is take care of yourself," advises the therapist. It's not selfish; it's a valuable decision for preserving family harmony. Grieving in a healthy way helps avoid chaotic scenes and maintain the foundations of the safe haven that parents have so painstakingly built. Here's what Gabrielle Applebury recommends:
- After the loss of parents, stay organized and share information to avoid tensions between siblings.
- Discuss the decisions together, write them down and make sure everyone is aware of them.
- In case of a difficult conflict, seek help from a third party or a professional.
- Therapeutic support can help manage grief and its impact on siblings.
- Prioritize calm communication: listening, respect, and questioning if necessary.
- Set boundaries and accept that everyone experiences grief in their own way.
- If the discussions become too tense, take a break and resume later.
- Maintaining or recreating shared moments can help preserve bonds despite the ordeal.
Parents are the backbone of the family, the lifeblood of the home. When they pass away, it takes time for the siblings to regain their footing and stability.
