Some people burn photos of their past romances and erase all traces of the unfinished love affair, while others keep these mementos in a box. This often misunderstood practice leads people to believe the other person has regrets or is experiencing sentimental nostalgia. However, keeping mementos of an ex or having a binder of love letters isn't necessarily alarming.
A reassuring ritual for some
When a couple breaks up, some people have a cathartic bonfire with gifts from their exes and get rid of anything that reminds them of that time. These people rush to resell precious jewelry online and destroy tangible evidence of their shared moments. For them, this emotional cleansing is necessary to move on and forget more quickly.
Conversely, some people hoard memories in a box: photos taken on vacation or stuffed animals won at the fair. The most romantic among them even go so far as to preserve movie tickets, restaurant bills, plane tickets, and sticky notes scribbled in the morning. And when they begin a new romantic chapter, their first instinct isn't to rush to the dump to empty that box or use their exes' handwritten declarations as kindling for the barbecue.
From an outsider's perspective, these very conservative people seem trapped in the past and attached to someone who is supposed to have left their heart. Naturally, questions arise, and we wonder if the person is "ready" to build a future with us. However, Claire Alquier, a sexologist and couples therapist, puts this Shakespearean custom into perspective in the pages of Slate . "We hold onto the memory and the fact that the relationship existed. It's necessary, even validating. We tell ourselves that our investment wasn't in vain." These aren't pieces of evidence of emotional infidelity , but rather fragments of life. Furthermore, there are people who value objects and struggle with "goodbyes," even when they involve an "I love you" keychain.
Easing the grieving process for romance
People who keep mementos of their exes close at hand are not necessarily devout believers in unconditional love that lasts until the very end. Nor are they all suffering from delayed emotional dependency.
While some prefer a radical break, reducing memories to ashes, others opt for a gentle weaning. With each change, they shed a relic of that lost love. It's less violent than burning everything at once. These memories, which we initially view like a traveler experiencing homesickness, lead not to introspection but to acceptance. In some cases, they even allow us to better appreciate the current relationship.
“The stages of a breakup are similar to those of grief. Keeping letters, gifts, or other belongings from your ex can serve as a transition,” explains psychologist Marie-Hélène Simard to Slate. And it’s always easier to delete old couple photos on Facebook than to destroy film prints when the act becomes real and tangible.
Talking about it will dispel any doubts.
When this memory box, filled with sweet nothings and narrative objects, falls into a partner's hands, a thousand scenarios can unfold in their mind. Finding traces of another person's presence is never truly pleasant. Even if they are only abstract memories, they can awaken fears in the other person and shatter all certainties. Hence the importance of discussing it openly, even if it means reopening old wounds.
Cultivating one's own private space and independence is essential for keeping romance fresh, but some topics deserve to be addressed. It's better to discuss the existence of this Pandora's box than to let your partner discover it on their own and imagine the worst.
“When you talk about this box, emphasize the love and importance you place on your current relationship, while also making sure your partner feels secure. This is the perfect time to highlight that it’s possible to cherish your past while building a strong future together.” These are the recommendations of Stephen Oreski, a psychotherapist and marriage counselor, who spoke with Brides magazine.
Sexologists agree that there's no right or wrong way to cope. Mourning the end of a romance remains a deeply personal experience, and everyone approaches it differently, whether by embracing those memories or by burning them. And a quick reminder: marriage doesn't erase everything that came before.
